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News and quick-hit commentary from around mid-Michigan ... from the Morning Sun.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

The strange noises in the night, and other times

Men kind of take for granted their bodies are going to make funny noises from time to time.
They will belch or pass gas, occasionally at inopportune times, but hey, they realize those things are just a fact of life and don’t let it bother them too much.
On the other hand, if a woman did something like that in public they would be embarrassed to tears. That’s probably because they have better manners than males, but there are also other reasons.
You see, ladies never admit doing such things in the first place. Their bodies apparently function differently than men by somehow getting rid of those stored-up noxious materials some other way - usually quietly.
Maybe that’s so. Personally I don’t believe it but I will give them the benefit of the doubt. I just think they’re a little more polite in mixed company than guys and find some way to hide it. Maybe that’s why they go to the lady’s room so often when they go out but I’m still not sure why every woman at the table has to go at the same time.
However, even though they try, there is one noise they can’t deny making unless they have never slept in the same room with another human being - snoring.
In fact, some of the loudest snorers I’ve heard are women. Now, don’t get the wrong idea. I’ve been on trips with family members and friends where everyone had to sleep in one large room.
On one such outing a number of years ago I remember my eldest son and his friend taping my mother snoring. But like a typical female, even after listening to the evidence she denied it was her.
Maybe women feel having sounds like that coming from their body is simply unladylike so they just pretend those noises don’t come out of one of their orifices.
Men on the other hand just don’t give a rip - pun intended. Heck, some even take part in belching contests and most can do it on command. Do women ever do such things? Maybe that’s what goes on at some of those “ladies only” events like bridal showers or Pampered Chef parties but I guess I’m not really sure what goes on there.
By the way, in many cultures it’s considered disrespectful to the cook if you don’t pass gas or burp loudly after a meal. Those women who actually prepare dinner for their men should remember that and take it for what it is - a compliment to the chef.
Even on those occasions when there is somewhat of a delayed reaction and the noises don’t start coming out until bedtime.
The honeymoon’s over when...
Just a side note. There is probably no better indication that the honeymoon is over than when you are standing at the bathroom sink getting ready for to go somewhere and your spouse comes in, sits down on the toilet and does his or her duty right beside you. It’s at that point you realize the prenuptial romance is over and there are no more mysteries about each other to discover.
Morning wake up surprise
Speaking of honeymoons, I’m wondering how many men wake up the morning after their wedding night shocked to see the face of the woman lying next to them. For traditional couples, who never spent the night together before marriage, it may be the first time he’s ever laid eyes on his new bride without makeup.
The poor guy may not even recognize his wife.
All that stuff that took hours to apply has worn off, dripped down her cheeks or run into her eyes. The new groom is probably thinking he married a Kiss groupie or an Alice Cooper wannabee.
Now I admit, men may not be all that inviting in the morning either with their whisker stubble, bad breath and porcupine hairdo, but at least all of their wrinkles and other facial imperfections haven’t been hidden by several layers of goop throughput the premarital relationship.
Yes, there are a few women (like my wife thank goodness) who don’t feel the need to hide behind a mask of blush, mascara, oils, creams, anti-aging jells and other beauty products; hog the review mirror to “check their face” or take half a day primping to go to Wal-Mart. But they are few in number.
The world would be a much better place if they just banned makeup all together and mde it illegal to wear that stuff. Just think, it likely would reduce male stress (waiting for their sweetie to get ready), cut down on the number of traffic accidents (caused by women “touching up” while behind the wheel) and eliminate those long lines at the lady’s room.
Most of all, however, it would save those newly wedded males from thinking they had just married Gene Simmons’ twin sister.
Greg Nelson is a Morning Sun staff writer. He can be reached at


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